Everything Changes, Everything Changes, Everything Changes. . . Not so much (by Rebekah)
That is a quote from a card in something called eXperience the Game. Friends of ours invented this game which is really an excuse for people to relate, to communicate on a more subtle level than we usually do. And this quote stuck in my mind, and seems particularly relevant as we start a new year.
I expect this year to be full of growth, joy, happiness, good health, financial abundance and prosperity. That’s no change at all, because that happens every year. The problem is, we never know what it is going to look like.
In 2008, I lost fifty pounds, stood up to my abusive ex-husband in two law suits, successfully worked outside the house half-time, grew our community from a bunch of renters to a handful of committed members, and watched my oldest daughter start high school and become a young woman with a (gasp!) serious boyfriend. My husband Marc left the safe niche of a company he had freelanced with off and on for years, and became an independent contractor. For a while, he worked full time outside the house too, and now he is looking for contracts that will allow him to work from home. We started making financial amends to a slew of creditors left behind after we sold our web business. Marc started juicing. Marc quit coffee, started drinking coffee, quit coffee again. In the new year, he is planning a sleep experiment that turns the traditional clock on its head.
There are lots of changes but they are subtle and gradual. I have a new five sizes smaller wardrobe and more housemates. I go to work, and now Marc stays home. I discovered that I really enjoy chauffeuring my youngest daughter to gymnastics and watching her work out (as much as 5 days a week). But the changes are really incremental, and life goes on as it always has, except a little more vividly. I have a deeper relationship to my daughters (it is amazing how having something be put in jeopardy leads to cherishing it). I have had to wrestle with demons of fear, anxiety, depression and surrender, leading in turn to new life skills. I have experienced my relationship with Marc as getting more real, more challenging, and also more intimate. Some days I felt so overwhelmed that all I could do was put one foot in front of the other towards the next right thing; which might have been as simple as eating breakfast, or taking a shower. I am realizing that control is an illusion, and sometimes the only thing left to do is let everything you thought you knew go, to make room for something new.
You might be thinking, “good health happens every year? This was the year I got a scary diagnosis.” Well, what did you decide to do with that news? Did you start a new health regimen, or really look at the stressors in your life and eliminate them, or stop taking your days for granted because they were numbered? Financial prosperity? That has nothing to do with how much money you have, but how you feel about it. This year, I spent less on holiday presents because I had other uses for the money, and yet enjoyed the experience more. I’m a prosperous woman, because I look at everything that comes to me as a gift, waiting to be revealed. My dad always used to say “Rebekah, you could look at a room full of shit and you’d go looking for the pony.” That isn’t always my first reaction when surprise comes down the pike, but it is my last.
I’m looking forward to 2009. I hope you are too, and that you always find the pony.
