Home for God (by Rebekah)
“I was a little cottage when I gave myself over to God for renovation. I expected he would throw down some new carpet, put bright paint on the walls. But no, he’s ripping out the plumbing, knocking down walls, tearing off the roof, and adding rooms. And in the chaos, the messages comes clear – ‘I am making you into a palace, and then I am going to come and live there’.”
Yes! I thought to myself, that is exactly my experience. I am not sure how to convey to you how touched I am by this little parable. From the first time I heard it 16 years ago to the telling today, it moves me every time. This is my longing: to commune with God as my everyday experience. This is my experience: at least half the time it will feel like crap.
Here is the short version of the development of my conception of God. I began life with the Judeo-Christian image of an old man sitting in judgment on the mountain. Then I unlearned everything I knew with the help of the “Conversations with God” books by Neale Donald Walsh, and the Course in Miracles. I added a definition of G.O.D. as Good Orderly Direction, and came up with a benevolent, all-knowing, all-powerful God. In my world, everything that happens is intended for my ultimate good. My work is to remember that and allow it to be so.
So how exactly did I give myself over for renovation? I said a prayer. In fact, I wake up every morning and ask God to come into me and guide my day, to use me for his own purposes (I call God Him – consider it an old-fashioned prejudice on my part, not to mention our language is greatly lacking in nuance).
Where this is all going (and this is a blog about relationships and community after all), is that relationships will tear you open and turn you inside-out. They are the handiwork of a Higher Power. Being conscious in your relationships gives you opportunities to expand beyond your self-conception and into the territory of your wildest dreams.
I read once that in a romantic relationship, you turn to face each other. In a true spiritual marriage, you turn together to face God. This is what I have with Marc. I asked God to send me the right man at the right time. Marc said this prayer: “Dear God, if there be a woman whom my being with would serve you better, please hook us up.” (Note: if you are looking for a partner, this never fails. Our friend Kelly said it, and a month later met her now-husband).
In April 2004, I met Marc and over time our vision of starting Trellis came together. We joined to be not just lovers, but a force for fun, love and transformation in the world. Ok, this was our highest, loftiest ambition. We also had more mundane goals, such as financial security, regular sex, and companionship and understanding. Sometimes it drives me crazy, this marriage for God. I don’t want to have our relationship to be all about the community, the group, our growth as human beings. Sometimes I want to scream, and do: “What about me? Would you please just put down your master plans to transform the world by modeling how a man-woman relationship is the base for power – and give ME a foot rub?”
Can you hear the walls coming down here? Opportunities abound; learning to recognize my needs; releasing attachment to entitlement, rights and ego; allowing myself to speak my truth; learning how to ask nicely (even if I have already asked before – six or seven times); accepting what is.
I have always said, when you pray for patience, God sends you long lines. Spiritual growth is earned through commitment to right action. Most importantly, it is its own reward. Life, with all its ups and downs, doesn’t get any less lively. One day, I just woke up knowing that although the building would never be done, it was finished enough. My God lived within, whenever I admitted him, and acted as if.
Who would be if you had such an important partner in residence?
November 9th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Two quick comments. The “relationship prayer” mentioned by Rebekah (”God if there be a woman… please hook us up”) is responsible for at least 2 marriages as of this date, including mine. My friend Nancy taught it to me, and shortly afterwards I met Rebekah. I had promised Nancy a split on the $1000 reward I had offered to the person who would introduce me to my future wife, but that transaction has not been completed yet.
Second thought is that I have always been struck by the line “the reasons lovers never tire of each other is that they only talk about themselves” (I can’t remember who said that). I was also clear in any case that that was _not_ the kind of relationship I wanted.