On spiritual arrogance and negative feedback
A few days ago, my best friend told me that my need to “become a guru”, as he put it, made it so that he would never join a group that I was in. I was very upset and hurt for about 24 hours, until I was able to distinguish what was true for me and what I was simply reacting to (I always take feedback in the spirit of “take what you like and leave the rest”).
Then I replied to him as follows: first, that “teaching to no appetite” (ie, the tendancy to take on the role of a teacher without permission, or to coach someone where there is no “request for coaching”) was a very unattractive trait, one that I was all-too-often guilty of. Second, that I had been given more than my fair share of arrogance, ego-inflation and narcissism, and that I needed to hear these things for my own good. Third, that the need to continually relinquish our roles and self-concepts was absolutely essential to spiritual growth, as I understood spiritual growth; and that I had a pretty strong attachment to seeing myself as a leader of the consciousness development movement of the 21st century. However, I added, there may come a point in life, where the need to start teaching becomes a moral imperative; when we are in possession of ideas and practices that have the power to change lives, and when we see around us every day, the results of these ideas and practices, in terms of increased joy, vitality and spirit-connection of ourselves and of the people that we touch.
Shortly after this incident occurred, the shoe went onto the other foot. A man whom I had met at a men’s gathering, and whom I perceived as an “attention hog”, I took aside and asked whether he was willing to take feedback from me, and whether he would be willing to not respond immediately (I was clear that, if he needed to respond immediately, I would not give him the feedback). He agreed to this and I told him that I experienced him, in every group that he joined, as taking all the attention onto himself, and that made me uninterested in relating to him. He seemed a bit shocked, but he kept the agreement, thanked me, and I walked away. Later he wrote to me thanking me again for the feedback.
Giving and receiving negative feedback is a very tricky thing. At best it requires a strong stomach, at worst it can be an abusive practice. I was pleased that both of these interactions seemed to have gone well and brought me closer to the people concerned. Ultimately that is the “litmus test” of whether or not it’s appropriate to give negative feedback. Often, negative feedback is as important for the sender to express as for the receiver to get (and this needs to be taken into consideration when we are the recipient of it). In the second incident, for example, even if the man had been unresponsive to my feedback, or reactive to it, it would still have brought me closer to him, because I would no longer have felt resentful of his presence, and if he started to behave like this in a group that I was in, I would remind him directly of my feedback and tell him he was doing it again, and he would have an opportunity to respond and it might provoke an interesting conversation.
October 5th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
We seem to be in a similar place. i often am trying to create appetite in people that i am teaching or couching. i dont wait to be invited as much as some would like me too. And i know i have had positive impact on a number of peoples lives. And certainly some people have been annoyed – i dont actually worry too much about them, sometimes they tell me. oft times they just complain about me behind my back – which is fine on some level.
i believe that modesty is dangerous. That if we are holding back our gifts and skills, because the social setting does not encourage them to be clearly expressed – then this is a setting which is an accomplice in our likely demise. We have an obligation to share the ways we can contribute to changing the world and making things better. If your friend does not want to be in the same group with you, because you are striving to be a guru – this is not necessarily a msg about you. it could be that you are being arrogant and unnecessarily self important. It could also be that your friend does not feel like he is on the same path as you – or is way behind you on the path and feels bad about that. It could easily be his problem.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
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